“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We were born to manifest the glory of God within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people the permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson (quoted by Nelson Mandela at his inauguration)
With women in particular, though not exclusively, an epidemic of low self-esteem and lack of worthiness festers within. I’m not talking about success and strength. We may be both successful and strong, a mainstream conformist or non-conformist, perceived with a solid, if vulnerable, strength. Nevertheless, lurking beneath this “together” exterior is often the open wound of insecurity: I am not enough. This unhealed wound, out of fear of not being accepted and loved, too often tries to keep others happy by conforming and responding to what they want – an aberration of the “good mother” ideal of femininity. It remains unhealed by the inwardly turned anger of a child whose needs were not met, causing permeable or non-existent boundaries that extend into adulthood. Unaware of how to express this seemingly inappropriate anger, it is contained within and festers as a deep, inner sadness of which we may or may not be aware. This sadness is also archetypal because victimization is based on the historical fear that we will be burned, staked, stoned or otherwise retaliated against (still occurring in some places) and because the feminine principle in our world cultures has been repressed for centuries. It’s been projected onto females as being “less than,” with a distorted and heightened responsibility for the feelings and actions of others and what they want, and feeling victimized because we’re told it’s “our fault.” We have taken this distortion in and made it our own, generation after generation. As a result, we have learned not to trust ourselves.*
This sad anger is not a raging storm of bile you need to unleash and act out to heal (but it’s the fear that you would do so and be overwhelmed that keeps it hidden in the unconscious). Yet it can and does project itself in outbursts of blame, judgment, and victim-hood, never owning its source within. We may do various things to keep this knowledge hidden, strengthening our unawareness with excessive behavior of all kinds – be it binge eating, alcohol, drugs, minding other’s business, or being “terribly busy” (which allows one to bask in self-important image or outward success and poo-poo any notion of sad anger within: “That’s not me!”). Yet it hungers to be acknowledged and embraced.
Ego resides in time and has a vested interest in keeping this the status quo. Its incessant thinking of past and future claim tyranny over the soul utilizing a variety of tools to keep us in the dark: guilt, fear, inadequacy, imperfection, judgement, false pride and niceties, and a god of retribution to name a few. It fuels the thoughts that give voice to the inner “demons of negativity,” nagging at us to give in to powerlessness (the mainstay of sad anger). So, when you are committed to awakening Spirit within, a battle may ensue. Afraid it will lose out if it lets go, ego struggles to hold onto its supremacy; its old habits and fears may intensify now. Fearful ego is trying to keep us unaware of the creative power within: our Higher Self and its unlimited potential. Power, ego is happy to remind us, is often associated with its misuse, hierarchy, retaliation, lack of femininity, and being clothed in the anger of Machiavellian-like manipulation. But, rather than a negative force projected outward, sad anger can be transmuted to the authentic power of positive feminine energy and used inwardly to fuel and strengthen our love of Self. This happens as we redirect our energy to challenge ego by refusing to sacrifice ourselves to its nagging voices, recriminating judgment, and failure to meet our needs. By continually identifying with the love and forgiveness of the compassionate feminine rather than ego, this nurturing mother within helps us learn to accept ourselves, to trust our inner voice and honor our needs, thereby ending ego’s tyranny, and the reflexive emotional reactions that served us in the past. The paradox is that to access authentic power we must surrender seeming power – the power of ego’s will; this is the sacrifice we are asked to make. It is rarely easy and always an act of humility. With the help of redemptive grace, we allow our true Self (inner Christ, Buddha, Goddess, etc.) residing in the present moment, to emerge then unite with the outer Divine and lead. We identify with it rather than with ego. “Ego as an instrument of spirit rather than spirit as a power of ego.” (Michael Washburn)
This battle can go on for a number of years coming closer and closer to the surface (service) of consciousness. Our job is to trust Life and ourselves, and stay on the path of awareness heeding the signs and signals that alert us when we stray off course. We are guided again and again to the situations we need to resurrect the emotions and love of the repressed feminine. As we give voice to her nurturing love, support and trust, she subdues and balances our overabundant masculine, and we are held in a cocoon of light. These two poles of the psyche, masculine and feminine, now integrated as one, reside in present moment awareness and awaken the full potential of Self to Being: our individual, creative expression of All There Is.
* The same can be said for boys and men with an active feminine who, if they express it, can be considered soft or weak; often this “weakness” must be beaten down and drummed or bullied out for cultural and family acceptance.
© 2004 * Barbara Atkinson
